I think it's the written words of others that helps me the most. When I feel dark what helps me most during those times is reading: poetry, essays, epitaphs. This morning I was reading excerpts from the book, The Little Big Book of Life, a wonderful collection of poems, short essays and stories, and different quotes. It really helped lift my spirit. As many of you know (those who read my blogs), I have been in a dark place as of late. It's all so complicated, but I feel as if I'm rising slowly. I need to visit a cemetery soon. I always feel more alive after looking at tombstones. I love seeing what people have written on them. Most people have the typical stuff, but every once in a while there are some amazing maxims carved in these tombstones that serve as a source of strength for me. I am still in a tough place, and will be for a while, but whereas only darkness was visible, I am starting to see shadows . . . light must be somewhere around the corner.

The Incident

This past Monday I was traveling from NJ to Maryland. I had to leave in the evening time because I had to pick up Tessin and Saskia from the airport. As I was traveling down, I got tired, so I pulled off at a Rest Area, took a two hour nap, and started driving again. At about 3am, I was tired again, and thought about resting for a half hour. I pulled off at this rest stop, and before shutting off my car, I noticed this man who was walking towards my car. I immediately put my car into reverse, only to see this man stop in his tracks, holding up his hands, asking for my help. Apparently, he and his friend had run close to empty in their car's tank. He asked me for any help I could lend his way: money, gas. He told me that I could even look at their tank meter if I didn't believe them. Needless to say, I felt unsafe; instinct kicked in: leave, go, don't look back. Fear kicked in: What if he has a gun? What if I'm being set up? If I step on the gas right now, I'm a dead man if he has a gun. Compassion stepped in: What if they really do need my help? How would I feel being stranded without gas, no money, and two more hours to drive? Confusion stepped in: What do I do? Logic stepped in: get to a well lit area.

I told this guy to get back in his car and follow me over to the gas pumps. I chose this option for two reasons: 1. the area by the gas pumps were well lit; 2. it would give me more time to think.

When I got to this area he sat in his car talking to the driver. Then the man who got out originally stepped out of the car. I told him to stay by his car because I wasn't feeling safe yet. I still needed time to think. Within a few seconds, I spotted some truck drivers heading back to their trucks. I have to admit, I have never in my life been happier to see a bunch of truckers at 3am. I told the guy who was waiting for my response that I was going to get additional help because I wasn't feeling safe. He looked confused. I drove over to the truckers, told them the situation, informed them that I had decided to help these guys, but I wasn't feeling safe by the whole situation. In turn, I made the truckers feel unsafe. I assured them that all I wanted from them was their presence, nothing more; I just wasn't sure what was about to go down. The truck drivers agreed to walk halfway and keep a lookout.

I drove back to the gas pumps, told the guys to stay in their trucks and I would give the attendant, (who was behind a bullet proof glass), the money. They cooperated. I gave the attendant $20, (poor woman was a little bit freaked out), was thanked by the guys; in turn, I thanked the truckers, and I drove off -- VERY AWAKE.

Reflection

I was scared. I thought about many things on the rest of the trip. What if he had a gun? What would I have done? I was ready to die, spiritually speaking, but I was not ready to die or be injured for that matter. And although nothing happened to threaten my safety, there was something shady about the whole situation. Two grown men, out of gas at 3am, with no money, no ATM/Credit card, no AAA. Nothing. At the very least, one can assert that these men planned poorly. At the very height, they run scams.
I felt vulnerable, insignificant. If they had a gun, I had no option but to drive away. I didn't have my taser on me; I couldn't lure them over to my car without some equalizer. I had to put everything that I believed into practice. Could kindness and peace quell a potentially perilous situation? In this case, perhaps that was the difference. I will never know, but I must believe that there is something to say for compassion winning over fear. I recall that during my most intense moment of fear, I issued a spoken question to God. I did not ask for protection or some miracle, instead, I gently asked for wisdom, and out walked three truck drivers from a rest stop.

Gender

A few days later, I was struck by this thought: Tessin (with her black belt skill set) would have been better equipped in that situation to make it out alive than me or most men in general. Why? I think that gender responses would play a role in this scenario. For instance, if the man who approached me had a gun, he would be more likely to be on guard by my presence than Tessin's. In seeing me, I am just a victim for money or car or valuables. In seeing Tessin, there may be the additional thought of rape, which would require a closer interaction. Tessin would get the additional chance to perform a lethal move on the guy to which I would not be privy. This was just an afterthought, nothing more.

Conclusion
I am happy to be alive, breathing, healthy, and thankful that my work on compassion was my lived work at 3am on a Tuesday morning.