One more thought concerning my brother. He goes through a lot of guilt about what he does. There was some irony I experienced on the Saturday after Good Friday. I didn't find out about my brother until Easter Sunday, but Saturday I was listening to KORN's song "Alone I break". Here are the lyrics:



Pick me up
been bleeding too long
Right here, right nowI'll stop it some how
I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Shut me off
I am ready,
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be on my own
I will make it go away
can't be here no more
Seems this is the only wayI will soon be gone
these feelings will be gone
these feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm hanging from?
is there nothing more to come? (am I Gunna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going to take it's place?
Am I going to leave this race? (Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess god's up in this place?
what is it that I've become?
is there something more to come? (more to come)
Now I see the times they change
leaving doesn't seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
where to leave my hurt behind
All this shit I seem to take
all alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man? [x2]



These lyrics were playing on the night before I found out about my brother. I thought about him when I heard these words, wondering if he wanted to give up on this life; me feeling at times that death would be a release for his weary soul.

And then there was a moment when I wanted to stop caring, wanted to give up on him as well, and the next song I heard was Bob Dylan's song "What Good Am I?"


What good am I if I'm like all the rest,
If I just turned away, when I see how you're dressed,
If I shut myself off so I can't hear you cry,
What good am I?

What good am I if I know and don't do,
If I see and don't say, if I look right through you,
If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin' sky,
What good am I?

What good am I while you softly weep
And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep,
And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don't try,
What good am I?

What good am I then to others and me
If I've had every chance and yet still fail to see

Bridge: If my hands tied must I not wonder within
Who tied them and why and where must I have been

What good am I if I say foolish things
And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings
And I just turn my back while you silently die,
What good am I?


I was humbled. Can't give up on him. Won't give up on him, because what good am I if I do?