afterthought

i prefer being a no thought over being an afterthought.
afterthoughts tend to remind you of your invisibility;
whereas a no thought just reminds you that humans,
unlike whales and elephants, tend to forget
once in a while. afterthoughts are like steven, who

was overweight, in my 4th grade class, and one of my
best friends. he was an afterthought. you couldn't miss him
in gym class, but he was always picked last. none of the
cool kids wanted him on their team. i always wondered
how he felt. you know. being invisible.
an afterthought. i bet it would have cheered him up

if someone had said, "oh, my god, steven, we didn't even
see you. we just forgot. were you hiding on us?" and then the
two captains got into a big fist fight because both of them wanted
steven on their team. i bet steven would have felt good
being a no thought. no thoughts are important, just temporarily
forgotten. and then there's always the famous no thought versus
afterthought birthdays. with no thought birthdays, the forgetter

can gasp, groan, gargle, or giggle about their stupidity
or hectic-tivity or flake-itude, and this momentary lapse
is readily forgiven by the forgotten. oh, but watch out, if you are
an afterthought on your birthday -- the 11:59 call, the five day late
card, the "ooh, i feel bad; i'll make it up to you" that never happens,
the queasy reminder that your hunch about your funeral is probably
accurate. this makes you want to be eight again when everyone
gave a damn about your birthday: the happy birthday over the

loudspeaker at school, the party, the new huffy bike that you
rode up and down your street, far past reason; the belief that you
are a forethought. yeah, i would much rather be a no thought,
because they're more fun or funny than afterthoughts. with no
thoughts you sleep peaceful, because you don't remember that you
forgot, but afterthoughts ruin sleep, whether you're on the receiving
or giving end. afterthoughts incur anger. you're almost back at the party then you remember that your girlfriend or wife asked you
not to forget the cheese fondue or that special bottle of pinot noir,

and you turn around, head back to the store, cursing that woman,
and cheese and wine and grapes and cows and that stupid party
with all her stupid friends and your controlling boss who kept you
late, because she was too lazy to do her own job, and you curse
the traffic light for turning red, and you shout to everyone and
no one, "i wish i just forgot!".
see? that's an afterthought. just pisses you off. if it were a no thought, you could feel sheepish when your girlfriend or wife gives
you that vicious glare. but you'll both laugh about it later, and she'll
forgive you, because you had a no thought. there is forgiveness

in the disappearance of thought, but no real forgiveness for afterthoughts. you just suck it up and move on. i guess i'm saying
all of this just to tell you, i prefer being a no thought for a day,
rather than some lonely afterthought that squelches sleep. yes, honey, i would rather be a no thought for a day, but just for a day.

World Perks

business men, suits and privilege,
leave me trapped in this time warp of imperceptibility
my skin, too dark to be seen in this bright light,
reflect glances of fear and questions; i am
extraneous to others, as are the positions of two numbers
being multiplied in an equation
some of these men think i am cipher;
but i am not the product of this multiplication
i am just a factor
and what i need them to note:
if i am zero, i have the power, with one touch,
to completely negate their value

Conversations I had with a Girl at a Bar

It was the music that had nothing more than an empty tune.
"I wanna be the best, but feel like the worst;
I wanna be the prettiest, but feel the plainest."
But that smile, lost within thought, had him wishing that
she would sing a verse or two.
"Living in the moment is so hard to do when I can't
stop freaking over what's next . . .
I don't know if I can do this baby."
I'm preparing for a storm on this sunny day --
she has the taste of love and disaster on dripping lips.
"You bring out the worst in me. My mind hops and skips,
my heart falls and remembers memories past and yet to come.
I can't wait till Friday . . . where we will be on this beach . . .
in May."

4:30am chants

(comforting myself)

i want to sing to you
but my voice is tired and strewn
like exploded tires on highway roads
it's 4:30am and I'm not breathing you in
your scent is all but faded on my pillow case
your body is not pressed against mine
and no touch or fantasy or liquor
can make me forget what i don't have at this moment

i want to write you a song
but my mind is paper chastised by rain
matted and useless until it can be dried
and you, my dear, are light and sun
when you kiss me i shiver
i am drunk and sober all at once
you make my rambling road find that easy silence
and with this thought, I hope to sleep

i hope to sleep

i hope to sleep
with you
waking next to me
in the morning light

haiku 603

tonight, my mood is
vomitting some loneliness,
and you seem content

The Riddle

Q: A man had to cross a bridge. The man had three boxes, each weighing 5 pounds; the man weighed 190 pounds, but the bridge could only support 200 pounds. How did the man make it across the bridge with all his boxes?



A: He juggled them. A box was in the air the whole time.

I was watching Joan of Arcadia when this message was brought forth. The message was not just about juggling; it was about how this applies to our life. At this point in my life, I feel overwhelmed. So many emotions running its course through my veins. As was said in the show:
"The bridge is life. The boxes hold your feelings: your love, your joy, your pain, your loss. Everyone is crossing the bridge with more weight than they can bear. So, you juggle."

I've already had a good few morning cries today.

And God spoke again . . .

Love,
me

Dear Saskia:

You are three today, and I want to take this time to say, thanks. Thanks for visiting me in this lifetime, on this strange planet. And though you were not planned, you are far from a mistake; you are purpose manifested. There are a lot of people who say to me, "Isn't crazy how fast those three years went?" And I say, "It didn't go fast. It seems like three years, or maybe longer." These people often look at me as if I'm crazy . . . and they are probably close to the truth, but these are my true thoughts. It does not feel just like yesterday. It feels as if I've lived a good few lifetimes since your birth. Why is this?

I think that people who have the same job, day in and day out, often feel a folding of time. As a maxim, I suppose one could say: if time repeats, time is not unique. Most people are very scheduled, robotic and systematic in their daily meanderings. They basically do the same activities Monday through Friday, and their weekends are no exception. Of course this is often interrupted with the occasional vacation or hospitalization or break-up. If there is anything true about my life, in the last 14 years, it's this: change is my constant.

From one day to the next, my life is appears different. I am in different cities, thinking different thoughts, breathing different air, and trying to live and realize moments. I wish the same for you, my child. Do not be a cog in this machine; march to the drum of your family: Whitman, Sojourner Truth, Thoreau, Dylan, Ruth (as in Biblical character), Cummings, Anthony (as in Susan B.), and on and on. Forget the pace of this wold, dear Saskia, march to your own drum. Most human beings never realize how wonderful life is while they live it. Do not be like most. There are things you know now that you must never forget. There are places you can go that I will never be able to visit . . . not even in my dreams (Khalil Gibran).

You already know that laughter heals. Do not let life nor death take this knowledge from you. Suck the marrow out of life and BE! Never define yourself by the job you do. "Our life is more than our work, and our work is more than our jobs." -- Charlie King -- I have gotten stuck on this as well. People ask me all the time what do I do, as if that question will answer my worth. Fight against this, dear Saskia. Wherever you are right now, is where you are supposed to be right now. But if you choose to be somewhere different in the future, then move towards that mark. Life happens on us, as we happen on life. Make your voice be heard, sweet warrior, precious angel.

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You were born before time. Do not allow time to confine your immortality. Breathe God in, for God breathes you in beyond the smallest space of time. Never be afraid of God's vision for your life; it is God who has delivered you to me. God's sense of timing and humor are extraordinary. Bask in it, but be aware of those who want to tell how to think about God; of those people who lock God in heavy chains of limitation. These are not prophets. They are just scared little creatures. Fear not their fear. The original sin was limiting God's vision.

And one other thing. Never stay in a relationship you want no part of, but be cautious of moving too soon. Gleam and grow from the lessons of pain. It is our pain that allows us to see more clearly. White light holds all the colors of the spectrum. Can you see it? For if you fail to see all the colors, you will see nothing but darkness. Do not allow my death to alter the brilliance of this life, of this light. Change is good, as is pain. Remember this: Solid rock is nothing more than sand and water . . . plus time.

I pray for your soul. I pray your soul finds the lesson of the eagle. Soar.

I celebrate this day with you, and long to kiss and hold you.

with breath and love,
Dad