Nothing to add in words right now...

Uggh!!! I have the most sordid love affair with words. She treats me with indifference, popping up when her time is right. I am the court's jester to her, a ragged nomad, a fool. I lust for her to be in my presence, but she declines and chooses to sing to me only when I am silent. Only when I am still. She only gives parts of herself. She embarrasses me with gifts of trite expressions, with 'umms' and circular atonement. Yet, I love her, though I despise her. She has wrecked my life and my other relationships. She lies as well as she displays the truth, and I am maddened by this. I will one day do to her as she has done to me. I will make a mockery of her existence, and cajole her only to control her. I will take her lust, turning it into trust or take that very same lust, and slyly with style, slide the 's' to the front of the 'l', and watch her cling to her exclusive confidence, enjoying the ecstasy of ribald men displaying a surplus of ignorance.

I just miss her today, that's all. I just wish she were able to titillate this vacuous ravine, flushing me with her almond scent. I want to covet her in silence and speech.

Haiku 202

skipping rocks on a

riverbed I discovered:

yes! yes! there is death

Poetry 133

when it flows like this

early like now, late like never

we laugh so hard

and never see the other laugh so hard

like when he said:

don't think i'd stop

like she said:

wouldn't stop you

and then the delivery was brilliant:

she bragged about vocal aptitude and altitude

sometimes i wonder

about it all

this now our now

that electric live tingling

the jolt, the admission of weakness

the pursuit of exhaustion

the melting of m&m's on mouths

not hands

sometimes i wonder

about life itself

my daughter sees the world as new

where laughter is the best high

and all things are bright and bold and raw

and how she repeats stories and words

and it's all magical to her

but how fragile she is in the end

and how i spend as much time worrying

as she spends laughing

and he and she is teaching me

not to stop laughing

to stop worrying

to just be in this moment

to love the Spring

to embrace and explore that May flower

being groomed in April

(wet flowers in May: lovely scent)

to touch all that is

bright, bold, raw

for even the prettiest of these flowers

will one day fade

This is What a Feminist Looks Like

Last night when I went out I wore a tee-shirt with these words imprinted on the shirt:

Feminism is the radical notion that women are people.

Aah, allow those words to sit for a while . . .
O.K. what were your initial thoughts? What does that tee-shirt mean? Are you laughing or nodding in agreement?

When I bought the shirt I only saw one meaning (the intended meaning) for that shirt: people who are fearful of feminism or feminists should realize that all we want is for women to be treated like people -- equal footing individually and equal footing in relationship to males. That's the intended meaning of the shirt. I didn't think it was too complex, but last night proved to be an fascinating, yet troubling, experience on gender.

I had stopped by this restaurant called, "The Sushi Lounge". It's in Morristown, NJ. Great restaurant and great atmosphere. I frequent there a couple times a week. In any case, while I was there, the bartender read my shirt and started laughing. Then he said, "You got big [guts]. Any guy who wears that shirt is basically saying, 'I don't want to [hook up] tonight'." Now, outside the fact that I'm married, I thought that was a peculiar response. I was intrigued. I asked him what he meant by that. He said that my shirt was insulting to women. This stunned me, because I thought that I had read the shirt incorrectly. So, I proceeded to show my shirt to some women who were at this restaurant. Needless to say, their response was quite different from the bartender's. They were impressed that a guy would "get it." I explained the shirt to the bartender and he had an "aah, ha" reaction. Then he gave me thumbs up, but I'm only vaguely clued in as to what he meant by that gesture.

In any case, a thought hit me: do men, in general, read that shirt differently than women? If so, what can one learn about gender? And more importantly, does the interpretation of the shirt have any specific implications concerning how men treat women? I decided to commence upon a social litmus test, a gender experiment, if you will. I needed to know if these men at the Sushi Lounge were the exception or an overwhelming majority.

I was overpowered by the data. Every man that I questioned both at the Sushi Lounge and Famished Frog (another wonderful restaurant/bar) had a similar response to the bartender: they laughed and patted me on the back for having big . . . ummm . . . guts. I guess I shouldn't be floored, but I was. I realize that for the most part I operate out of my complete self, the masculine and the feminine, and more interestingly, most guys saw my shirt as an insult because they think that women are treated equally to men. Are you kidding me? I mean, o.k., I know the way guys think. I've been around them long enough to understand the mentality, but maybe I just didn't believe that the ignorance could be that severe.

Almost exclusively, the women I surveyed about my shirt, Got It. There were a couple of exceptions, and I have my theory of why they didn't get it. I don't think those women were evolved enough to see it, to understand the oppression of the system on women. One of the women who didn't get it has a rather illustrious reputation of promiscuity, of catering to the whims of awful guys. In my opinion, her eyes have not been opened. Men want nothing to do with her beyond a drunken night of ribald behavior. The other woman who didn't get it is a peripheral friend of mine. I think two factors played into her lack of understanding: 1.) she had been drinking for a long time and 2.) she stated how much she misses the idea of gender roles, of women and men knowing their place. She felt that in today's time this wonderful relationship between men and women was lost. However, she did concede that her former husband had believed in this old system, and coincidentally was abusive in his interactions with her, believing that she wasn't fulfilling her duties as a woman.

When I explained my shirt to both women, not only did they finally get it, but they liked it, almost with an embarrassment (perhaps with shame at not getting it), but they liked it.

I've been accused of being a sensitive guy, and always took that as a complimentary joke, but last night highlighted something that was more jarring than I ever thought: I don't think like the majority of males. On one level, that's comforting, but on another level, it certainly does not add to my feelings of connectivity with males. I am on a small island. I am a heterosexual male who thinks like a minority of sensitive guys, and perhaps, a majority of gay men.

Now, in all fairness, I think some of these guys would have understood my t-shirt a little more had I been a crew-cut, gender-bending, female. I think they would have gotten it . . . to an extent. They would have understood that it is not a joke, but some of these guys would have muttered such highly sophisticated statements as, "Feminist, lesbo dyke!" And then we'd be back at square one: THEY REALLY DIDN'T GET IT.

Oh, we have so many miles to go before we sleep . . . but I don't feel defeated. Education took place last night. Thought was triggered -- in restaurants and bars, nonetheless. It's a shame that we have to have words such as feminist and feminism to connote a state of being that should always be. I suppose religion and physical strength is much to blame for this absurdity, but the three largest religions all started off with the same understanding: And God created male and female. In God's image, God created them.

And that, my friend, is true masculinity and feminism at its best.

Since we're on the eve of another war, I thought it would be most appropriate to bring some humor to the gravity. When President Clinton had his affair with Monica I created a few jokes about the situation. It was a good time. The current president of the US did not do the like. He has remained solid and determined in his presidency. No distractions, except . . . when he speaks. Enjoy.


"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. " - George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ' to be prepared '." - George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future. " - George W. Bush

" The future will be better tomorrow." George W. Bush

" We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - George W. Bush

" I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have afirm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - George W. Bush

" Public speaking is very easy." - George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. " - George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority." - George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. " - George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - George W. Bush

" It's time for the human race to enter the solarsystem." - George W. Bush

Thank you, Laura for submitting these to me . . .

I am troubled by a consistent situation that I witness in many schools: Black males who have tuned out. Obviously, this is a sweeping generalization, but it certainly pertains to the majority of black males within our public school institutions with whom I've observed during my performances. It has been socially "cool" to tune out, to care about little, and to kill or die for even less than little. And what's even more distressing is the isolation felt by black boys who do care, who want to succeed, who [pardon the expression] "give a damn". They are a true minority, made to feel like ciphers, alone, ostracized from the larger black male community, and often criticized for being less black. They will come to speak to me after my performance while some of their peers just mock them for being weak, a punk.

Black is cool. Black is feared. Black is tough. Black is.

I go into many schools where the black males, specifically, and the black children, in general, will treat my show with more outward disrespect than the rest of the school population. This is not always the case, but it certainly happens more often than I feel happy to admit. And does it matter if it is an inner-city school compared to a more suburban school? Sometimes, yes, but in truth, I have found that black males in suburban schools feel as if they have more to "prove" in regards to their blackness, therefore, they will challenge me more overtly during my performance than inner-city blacks. Inner-city black males will tend to fake sleeping or really fall asleep even before I begin my performance. I was once in a suburban school where upon completing one of my characters, a black student shouted out "FAGGOT!" Now, granted, I had never before nor since experienced that same interchange, but I found it to be somewhat unsettling that it came from a black student in a predominantly white environment; I felt that it could only further some negative, cultural stereotypes placed on blacks. I worry that when this type of disruption and disrespect takes place, I am then viewed as the exception, the-"not like THEM"-insult put forth to positive blacks like myself; while the obnoxious black students are internally accepted as the general rule. But how did this all begin, and what are the factors that have perpetuated these insipid displays of shallowness?

Allow me to start with the school as a system; allow me to start with some positive observations. I have noticed that I have had much more favorable responses from black students when they are in a school system that 1.) will treat these students with mutual respect, 2.) are able to separate cultural displays of interaction from errant behavior, and 3.) embraces true diversity and inclusion.

I have been in school systems where before I've started my show, the principal or vice-principal will get up in front of the audience and cajole the student body with a kind firmness, interacting with them with respectful leadership. These principals do not punish cultural expressions of interactions, yet they foster an environment for positive behavior.

I was recently at Trenton Central High School in New Jersey, a school decimated by gang activities and poverty -- a mostly black student body where the males are as tough as they are crude; a school where teachers, in the past, have given up even before the fighting began. Fortunately, they have a new leader who believes in the lives of these children, not just their test scores, but their lives. She embraces the true spirit of "No Child Left Behind" and it has nothing to do with passing some state test. Rarely have I met such a dynamic principal. She cares for her students like the majority of mothers care for their children. I watched her interaction with the student population, and she was firm, yet fair; loving, yet disciplined. Her students did not cower away from her, but were peaceful towards her, willing to do tasks (e.g., walking me to the auditorium, taking off gang related shirts) that she asked or enforced them to do. I mention this principal because she tends to be the exception of what I see in most tough schools. She told me it was simple, if you kept one thing in your mind: these children do not need a principal, they need a parent. She said to me, "Michael, if I treat them like a principal, I will lose them, but if I treat them like a mother, they will respect me." Unfortunately, like I said, she is the exception.

In many of our most difficult schools principals or assistant principals either embarrass a group of students or yell at the student body, threatening to cancel the assembly. Or on the other end of the spectrum of ill-fated interactions, I watch teachers who look for black children to fail, and then pouncing upon any opportunity to "correct" them, while other disruptive individuals (non-black) are overlooked; or these teachers are so terrified of breaking some unspoken PC barrier that they will allow certain black children to act the part of a fool without ever addressing it. I suppose that they are fearful, in this case, of being viewed as racist. Ironically, it is this overt, but oblivious silence which greatly magnifies these teachers' shoddy view of race and class. Some of my worse performances have taken place in schools where teachers seeing the disruptions have simply ignored it or aggressively attempted to squash it.

Now, do not misinterpret me, I am not solely placing blame on the teachers or principals, for the whole system is screwed up with the treatment of black males, and many black males are in turn screwed up with the treatment of themselves and the system. I certainly place responsibility on the disruptive black males as well. I do not just blame the system, because I have seen a number of tough, gang-involved black males who have been healthily broken by my show, allowing themselves to feel and process what they experienced. These individuals come up to me after my show vigorously shaking my hand and giving me a street hug. They have grown up in poverty on the streets or alone in a mostly white environment, but are willing to see themselves differently than just the stereotype. They often belong to the Hip-Hop culture, but they choose to focus on an essence of positiveness rather than the negativity, disrespect, or misogyny that coexists within the norms of Hip-Hop culture. Many of these males take to heart Jesse Jackson's mantra: "I was born in the slums, but the slums were not born in me."

I know as a black male, it is a thin tight rope to criticize negative aspects of my culture; I risk being scorned by the majority for not being black enough, for selling out. Michael Eric Dyson, a scholar for whom I have utmost respect, wrote a book specifically targeting Bill Cosby's criticism of the "tuned out" parts of the black community. Without getting too far away from the topic, I felt that Dyson's criticism of Cosby's criticism was somewhat misdirected, as I felt that some of Cosby's rhetoric was coming from an elitist, not a loving place. Here's a link to the book. It's a scholarly discourse worth reading, worth discussing.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0465017193/sr=8-1/qid=1144703869/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-7518100-5753614?%5Fencoding=UTF8

I am big on freedom and responsibility. I respect black males, even the disrespectful ones. I just desire change. I believe tuning out leads to more poverty, more violence, more isolation in the black community; more males who leave children fatherless; more failure; more desperation; more jail time; more followers instead of desirable leaders. I want to help black males to tune in instead of out. In short, I want to help them find a reason to give a damn.

"My ambition is to be more than just a rap musician. The elevation of today's generation, if I can make them listen." -- Tupac

Yesterday I performed at George School in PA. It is a Quaker school. The performance went very well, but I was more interested by what took place after the show. A sweet soul named Devan (sp) came up to me, visibly upset by a part in my show. She was upset by my portrayal of Tommy. Tommy is my character who speaks about his isolation from other children in his school. Tommy has Downs Syndrome. Devan was upset because she has a brother who has Downs Syndrome, and he is nothing like Tommy, but she was concerned that other students would see Tommy and think that everyone who has Downs Syndrome would act like Tommy. This caused Devan great distress. She came to me to express this frustration.

I listened to her's (and her mother's) concerns, remaining open and without defense to their pain. We had a fruitful discussion, one that ended with me reconsidering how I play Tommy. I will not do a complete make-over (I think), but certainly, I would like to make some adaptations within the monologue of Tommy. Right now as Tommy stands -- he's easy. I went for an obvious characterization of someone who has a more severe form of Downs Syndrome along with Autistic features. He is loosely based off of some kids with whom I grew up, along with a couple of Downs Syndrome kids I've come across in schools. My Tommy is not a fabrication in regards to the realness of his physicality, however, he is not a part of the large majority of today's children who have Downs. I realize that there have been vast improvements in regards to the treatment of Downs individuals. There is a sizable portion of these individuals who are mainstreamed in their classrooms, and who function well alongside their peers.

In any case, I think the greatest lesson I learned from Devan was in the healing nature of listening. Had I gotten defensive when Devan approached me, I promise you, the results would have been woeful. I knew I needed to listen and then to listen some more; she needed someone, no, she needed ME to understand and empathize with her concern. She wasn't attacking me -- or my show, for that matter, she was raising a legitimate issue, and I am thankful that I was able to listen and hear her. She walked away feeling heard.

My show's greatest changes have come through people who have challenged me not to make any character easy; at times, these voices were harsh and attacking, but I still listened to the messages within these criticisms, attempting to discern the fruit from the poison. It is not always easy. In fact, at times the changes that take place after such attacks are ones of defiance, upping the ante, if you will; pushing the envelope of discomfort even further than the original plan, typically resulting in a more dynamic performance than the previous ones.

On other occasions, I adjust my characters to another height, but in these instances, I am not fueled by the same annoyance or defiance as is true of the former case. I find myself in this second boat after my interaction with Devan, and I am happy to have the wisdom, the courage, and the serenity to discern between the two in this situation.