Brotherman on the run
So, for those of you who don't know or haven't heard about my family. Here's the deal. I have 2 older brothers and 2 younger sisters. However, today I would like to talk about my brother Roy, my protector as a kid.
When Roy (who I called Bunny as a kid) was younger he had many conflicts with my parents, specifically with my dad. My dad was rather physically abusive to Roy when we were kids, though my dad excuses himself by saying that it was what he knew. I believe that. I got to see my parents grow as parents as I got older. I had the wonderful opportunity to experience their change. I have a little sister (Little Boo or Joy for the rest of you turkeys) who is almost 12 years younger than me, and she was only spanked one time. Roy got the worst of it. I got seconds, and Michele (two years younger than me) got thirds. Except Michele may have moved into a tie or passed me when I went away to college. I was no longer around to protect her.
In any case, when Roy went into the Navy he went wild -- drinking, smoking (cigs and pot), and wilding out sexually. He broke the rules in the Navy consistently, as he broke the rules in our house when he was growing up. He was more traditionally oppositional than I was. He ran away from home, got into heated conflicts with my dad, cut school, failed classes. Me? -- I would burn down parks, shoplift, torture animals, etc. Eventually, Roy got kicked out of the Navy. He refused to follow the rules, testing positive for pot, missing duty, amongst other things.
When he got out of the Navy he was introduced to crack-cocaine. He got hooked -- fall of 1993. I'll never forget it. It was my first year in grad school. Stressed me out because he went missing for a couple of weeks. I had no clue why until he came back. Then I poured all of my energy into trying to find him help. This is what happens naturally the first time family members try to deal with addiction in their family. It took me years to learn that until the individual truly wants help, they will consistently return to the streets.
I would like to fast forward you to present day. My brother had been clean for about 5 months. He was involved with a Christian group that offered up support, shelter, and a vehicle for his use. On Good Friday, my brother decided to return to the streets. My mom has gone into a slight depression. She's tired of believing in his change only to be let down again. I understand this, but I also have not let myself become too emotionally invested in him during recent times. After the 10th time of being burnt, one must learn other means of adapting to the situation.
Most people believe that my brother is crack addicted and that's what keeps him going back. I used to believe this as well, but the more I look at it I see something that others seem to have overlooked. Crack, like alcohol, are symptoms of my brother's larger problem: SEX.
My brother is a sex addict. It has never been officially diagnosed, but from my clinical assessment, (I have to use my doctorate in psychology for something), sex is the reason he returns to the streets. In fact, he has told me more recently that when he's been back out on the streets, he will rarely use crack because the high is not a high anymore. Yet, the situations he finds himself in sexually -- I couldn't even write about it on a public blog. He has some strong unresolved sexual issues that are being overlooked due to people's hang-ups about sex. I, amongst others, have missed the boat for years. When he's not out on the streets sex is a dirty thing for him. He denies his sexual self, praying that God will take away any sexual desire he feels. He punishes himself if sexual thoughts arise. He has no clue how to embrace his sexual self without allowing it to rule him, and because he attempts to lock down his sexuality under some puritanical and self-afflicting guideline, it lashes out in pure ID form with no EGO or SUPEREGO to control it.
I believe that until he addresses this significant part of himself, he will continue to return to the streets. Certainly, my brother is an addict, but crack is the sub-addiction to his sexual cravings, and in the home we grew up, I am not terribly surprised that sexuality would play such an important role in his demise.
In our home, (I suppose like many homes), sexuality was not discussed, it was condemned at best, yet when i was 16 I found out about a brother that I never knew I had. At 21, I figured out that my mom was pregnant with Roy before they got married. My understanding about sex from my father was three fold: 1. it wasn't that good 2. didn't last long 3. and one does not know when they will climax. Quite frankly, it scared me to death. However, though I have a healthier view about sex than my brother, I see as well how it plays out significantly in my life. I love discussing the topic, I debated before going into grad school if I would pursue becoming a sex therapist, it played an early role in taking away my innocence when I was 10, I have scholastic books discussing the theme, I am drawn to art films that involve the issues of sex and gender, I have hundreds of books and DVDs (NOT playboy magazines and porn videos, you pervys:) that deal with the many facets of sexuality. I am certain that my upbringing plays a role with my fascination of the topic, and I am certain it has played a destructive role in my brother.
My focus in helping my brother now will be to help find him find help that will address this larger addiction of sexual appetite, a terrain many Americans are afraid to openly address.
When Roy (who I called Bunny as a kid) was younger he had many conflicts with my parents, specifically with my dad. My dad was rather physically abusive to Roy when we were kids, though my dad excuses himself by saying that it was what he knew. I believe that. I got to see my parents grow as parents as I got older. I had the wonderful opportunity to experience their change. I have a little sister (Little Boo or Joy for the rest of you turkeys) who is almost 12 years younger than me, and she was only spanked one time. Roy got the worst of it. I got seconds, and Michele (two years younger than me) got thirds. Except Michele may have moved into a tie or passed me when I went away to college. I was no longer around to protect her.
In any case, when Roy went into the Navy he went wild -- drinking, smoking (cigs and pot), and wilding out sexually. He broke the rules in the Navy consistently, as he broke the rules in our house when he was growing up. He was more traditionally oppositional than I was. He ran away from home, got into heated conflicts with my dad, cut school, failed classes. Me? -- I would burn down parks, shoplift, torture animals, etc. Eventually, Roy got kicked out of the Navy. He refused to follow the rules, testing positive for pot, missing duty, amongst other things.
When he got out of the Navy he was introduced to crack-cocaine. He got hooked -- fall of 1993. I'll never forget it. It was my first year in grad school. Stressed me out because he went missing for a couple of weeks. I had no clue why until he came back. Then I poured all of my energy into trying to find him help. This is what happens naturally the first time family members try to deal with addiction in their family. It took me years to learn that until the individual truly wants help, they will consistently return to the streets.
I would like to fast forward you to present day. My brother had been clean for about 5 months. He was involved with a Christian group that offered up support, shelter, and a vehicle for his use. On Good Friday, my brother decided to return to the streets. My mom has gone into a slight depression. She's tired of believing in his change only to be let down again. I understand this, but I also have not let myself become too emotionally invested in him during recent times. After the 10th time of being burnt, one must learn other means of adapting to the situation.
Most people believe that my brother is crack addicted and that's what keeps him going back. I used to believe this as well, but the more I look at it I see something that others seem to have overlooked. Crack, like alcohol, are symptoms of my brother's larger problem: SEX.
My brother is a sex addict. It has never been officially diagnosed, but from my clinical assessment, (I have to use my doctorate in psychology for something), sex is the reason he returns to the streets. In fact, he has told me more recently that when he's been back out on the streets, he will rarely use crack because the high is not a high anymore. Yet, the situations he finds himself in sexually -- I couldn't even write about it on a public blog. He has some strong unresolved sexual issues that are being overlooked due to people's hang-ups about sex. I, amongst others, have missed the boat for years. When he's not out on the streets sex is a dirty thing for him. He denies his sexual self, praying that God will take away any sexual desire he feels. He punishes himself if sexual thoughts arise. He has no clue how to embrace his sexual self without allowing it to rule him, and because he attempts to lock down his sexuality under some puritanical and self-afflicting guideline, it lashes out in pure ID form with no EGO or SUPEREGO to control it.
I believe that until he addresses this significant part of himself, he will continue to return to the streets. Certainly, my brother is an addict, but crack is the sub-addiction to his sexual cravings, and in the home we grew up, I am not terribly surprised that sexuality would play such an important role in his demise.
In our home, (I suppose like many homes), sexuality was not discussed, it was condemned at best, yet when i was 16 I found out about a brother that I never knew I had. At 21, I figured out that my mom was pregnant with Roy before they got married. My understanding about sex from my father was three fold: 1. it wasn't that good 2. didn't last long 3. and one does not know when they will climax. Quite frankly, it scared me to death. However, though I have a healthier view about sex than my brother, I see as well how it plays out significantly in my life. I love discussing the topic, I debated before going into grad school if I would pursue becoming a sex therapist, it played an early role in taking away my innocence when I was 10, I have scholastic books discussing the theme, I am drawn to art films that involve the issues of sex and gender, I have hundreds of books and DVDs (NOT playboy magazines and porn videos, you pervys:) that deal with the many facets of sexuality. I am certain that my upbringing plays a role with my fascination of the topic, and I am certain it has played a destructive role in my brother.
My focus in helping my brother now will be to help find him find help that will address this larger addiction of sexual appetite, a terrain many Americans are afraid to openly address.
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