bleeding eagle

(for M.J.F.)

It doesn't all make sense . . . this life . . . at times deeply overwhelming

tears and pain caress like lovers . . .

relief seems like a passing dream or nightmare

relief seems like shadows

and shadows seem dark

but to you, I want you to remember

shadows remind us that light is near

never be afraid of shadows

the cut, the blood, the pain

trickle like the moon

and like the moon

they are false

their reflection is only reflection

their cold, their distance are their true nature

seek the lesson of the moth: light

seek the lesson of the eagle: soar

rise up dear soul

rise up, dear M.J.F

the light is near, you face the moon

turn towards that which brings you life

turn away from that which bleeds your life . . .

you are an eagle . . . face your destiny

bleed no more and rise

I received this email a few days ago:



Mykee,

Once again I find myself doing the things I have tried so hard to stop doing and I dont know what to do. Your presentation at my school helped me so much im hoping you can lend me some advice.... I dont know what to do with myself any more. I cry myself to sleep at night and often have flash backs of the experiences I have had of abusive relationships. People talk about me at school and I can't find the strength to stop self mutilating...

please help me...

much love always,



If I could tell you the amount of people who write to me or personally show me their pain, I would be writing for weeks on end. I feel so sad and touched when I read emails such as these. Here's what I have to offer. Some options.



1. Find someone who you trust and talk. The ugly monster gets weaker if you talk. Get to a counselor. If not a counselor, then a teacher or principal or parent or neighbor, but find someone who you can trust.



2. Write. Draw. Whatever. Get it out. Write about it in poetry. In journals. Draw it out. Sing it out. Curse it out, then curse it out again. This last suggestion is best done alone (hint! hint!).



3. Find others who have been in the same situation or a similar one.



4. Read. Here's a book about cutting: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0439324599/qid=1101017028/sr=8-1/ref=pd_csp_1/104-5569958-0158320?v=glance&s=books&n=507846



5. Here are two teen websites to check out: http://www.teenadviceonline.org/ and

http://www.teenlineonline.org/. Check them out. They have been helpful to others.



6. Of course you could write me, but I am slow on the rebound because of my schedule, but mark it urgent and I will respond quicker.



I'm often asked, "what helped me?" Friends, youth pastor, prayer, teachers, poetry, cemeteries (i'll explain), accepting all that I couldn't change and changing all that I could, and creating situations that made me laugh.



Cemeteries. I like to walk around cemeteries during the day. When I do I check out what is written on the tombstones. I like to see the ages of the people as well as any pithy adages. I am not saddest by the young children who have died. I am most moved by those who lived to be 90-100 of age, because I cannot help but to think about how many days they actually lived, not existed, during their lives. Cemeteries give me a renewed passion for living no matter how down I am. It puts things in perspective for me. I suppose it much akin to the Langston Hughes poem, Still Here, "But I don't care. I'm still here."



I love you all, my friends in pain. I meditate and pray on your behalf. My hug goes to you.

My baby Saskia . . . 5 months old.

Picture Dis Homey

"War! What's it good for? Absolutely nothing! Say it again."

Edwin Starr, "War"

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Come you masters of war

You that build all the guns

You that build the death planes

You that build the big bombs

You that hide behind walls

You that hide behind desks

I just want you to know

I can see through your masks

How much do I know

To talk out of turn

You might say that I'm young

You might say I'm unlearned

But there's one thing I know

Though I'm younger than you

Even Jesus would never

Forgive what you do

Bob Dylan, "Masters of War"

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There's a good chance that C.A.R.E. worker, Margaret Hassan, was killed by her captors. I'm sure the video will be released soon.

We are not safer now than before . . . We enter this dangerous void of pain. I stand at this precipice wondering when will we as thinking, processing beings learn to look beyond hate to solve our conflicts.

How odd that in a society where we encourage our children to resolve their conflicts through peaceful methods, we practice something entirely different as adults.

Margaret Hassan is a victim who gave her life working for the good of all humanity. She believed in the good of human existence, and yet she fell victim to human depravity. No words comfort at this time. No lasting peace shall ever ride upon this vehicle called violence.

I want no part . . .

Apparently, an unarmed Iraqi rebel was slain by a US marine. Some people are screaming that the US marine should be brought up on criminal charges for breaking the rules of combat. Give me a break! He need not be brought up on charges. He did his job. Is there really nobility in killing? Is it not all savagery? If you support the war, this is part of war. There is no honorable way of shooting somebody in the head. The blood decorates the wall just the same. I support this soldier, because it reinforces what I feel about war. War is meant to kill people. You define an enemy and you do your best to destroy that enemy. Why all this pretense about order? If I cut off your limbs 'til you die or I shoot you in the head, it's one and the same.

There are innocent victims in this war. Margaret Hassan was one of them, the Iraqi rebel was just a victim, not innocent. Both were prey. In war, we are all prey. Let us bow our heads, keeping our heads, and pray to end a world of prey.

The head of Margaret Hassan shares the same peace as the blood splattered brain of the Iraqi soldier. Both rest now, as the dead bury the dead.

I close with this:

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"Some of us who have already begun to break the silence of the night have found that the calling to speak is often a vocation of agony, but we must speak. We must speak with all the humility that is appropriate to our limited vision, but we must speak."

Martin Luther King, Jr., Beyond Vietnam: A Time to Break Silence

"There's no place in this world where I'll belong when I'm gone

And I won't know the right from the wrong when I'm gone

And you won't find me singin' on this song when I'm gone

So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here . . .

Can't add my name into the fight while I'm gone

So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here

And I won't be laughing at the lies when I'm gone

And I can't question how or when or why when I'm gone

Can't live proud enough to die when I'm gone

So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here"



Phil Ochs, "When I'm Gone"



I'm deeply saddened today . . . I was sitting here at my computer listening to the late Phil Ochs song, "When I'm Gone." I popped open my Explorer browser and I was greeted by the headline,

"Chinese American author Iris Chang found shot to death." She was responsible for a powerful non-fiction book called, The Rape of Nanking. This was a seminal book that uncovered the mistreatment of the Chinese during WWII at the hands of Japanese soldiers. Chang's compassion to uncover the atrocities done to her Chinese people was stirring. Sadly, it looks like she may have fallen victim to her giant heart. Preliminary reports indicate that Chang died from self-inflicted gun wounds. Ironically, the words of Phil Ochs song ring eerily prophetic. I have about a 1,000 CDs and I happened to be listening to that song at that time.



Strangely enough, Phil Ochs died by his own hands . . .



Be encouraged my friends. Suicide does not provide the answer we need. We need your voice in this fight. We need you to struggle with us.



"And I won't be running from the rain when I'm gone

And I can't even suffer from the pain when I'm gone

Can't say who's to praise and who's to blame when I'm gone

So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here . . ."

I am not typically drawn to the politics of this two caste system, but I must admit, I am totally intrigued by what it has meant to this country in current times. Each side has been vying for desperate positioning. The debates have been charged with vigor on both ends. Both candidates presenting what they consider their best face. The differences between the two men have been glaring. I' ve been fascinated by a certain issue, however.



In the vice-presidential debate, John Edwards made a specific reference to Dick Cheney's daughter, Mary, being a lesbian. In fairness to Edwards, he brought this up in reference to a question posed by Gwen Ifill to the vice-president:



IFILL: The next question goes to you, Mr. Vice President.

I want to read something you said four years ago at this very setting: "Freedom means freedom for everybody." You said it again recently when you were asked about legalizing same-sex unions. And you used your family's experience as a context for your remarks (emphasis added).

Can you describe then your administration's support for a constitutional ban on same-sex unions?



The vice-president discussed the president's position on this matter. Then it was Edwards turn to give his 90 second response. At one point he said, "let me say first that I think the vice president and his wife love their daughter. I think they love her very much. And you can't have anything but respect for the fact that they're willing to talk about the fact that they have a gay daughter, the fact that they embrace her. It's a wonderful thing. And there are millions of parents like that who love their children, who want their children to be happy."



I found Edwards mentioning of Cheney's daughter being lesbian to be benign; it was referenced to by Ifill's question. There were plenty of Americans who did not realize what Ifill was referencing and Edwards put it out there more directly. That being said I believe Edwards used it politically as well. Edwards must have realized that by making it clear that Cheney's daughter is a lesbian would benefit him politically. Why? Because there exists a significant contingency within the Republican chambers who believe that to be gay or lesbian is "wrong," a matter of choice an individual makes. This same contingency also believes that the parents are to blame if their son or daughter "turns out" to be gay or lesbian. These nonsensical thoughts are a reality within a certain segment of the Republican worldview and Edwards used that to tarnish the Vice-president's image. It shouldn't work, but it probably does amongst certain segments of this country. Cheney did not appear to be offended by this reference because it was in the context of the question. However, many republicans spat hell-fire and brimstone about Edwards' reference after the debate.



To further the cause, Kerry implemented it in his last debate with the Prez. Kerry's invocation of Mary Cheney came off much more disingenuous, too political. The question never mentioned Dick Cheney's daughter, but Kerry saw a political chance and took it. It angered the Cheney family. Angered? Hmm . . . angered them that Kerry mentioned that she was a lesbian? Yes, it was political, but why anger about mentioning orientation? Here's what I've observed.



There are three groups of responses around this public acknowledging of one's homosexual orientation. The first group are people who see mentioning someone's son or daughter as being gay or lesbian equivalent to mentioning someone's son or daughter being a convicted child molester. It becomes the nasty "L" or "G" words. This group is mostly made up of politically conservative individuals who see gay and lesbian as something shameful and evil.



The second group made up of both conservatives and liberals and all in between see this reference to Cheney's daughter as slightly uncomfortable, but not unmentionable. They believe that talking about it is equivalent to mentioning a daughter who has breast cancer in a conversation about healthcare. For instance, if the question was addressing the administration's statutes regarding healthcare, and Edwards or Kerry mentioned that this should be an important issue to Bush or Cheney because their daughters or wives battled some debilitating illness, this second group views homosexuality under the same microscope. They see homosexuality from a disease model.



The third group sees homosexuality as a minority issue like race or gender. There exists no offense in mentioning what someone is. It is not a shameful nor disease laden topic. If instead of being lesbian, Mary were black and the Cheney's had adopted her, there would be relevance in this group to mention that the Cheney's have a black daughter when talking about civil rights and affirmative action. One's orientation is not a pejorative reference. This third group is filled with consciously evolved beings, mostly liberals, but not exclusively. There are some moderate conservatives who fit smoothly into this category.



I try to operate from this third category in regards to this issue. Orientation will never be shameful to me, nor will it be considered a disease. It is like my race, but like my race, I hate the fact that it is used as political positioning. I am reminded of some lyrics by Run-DMC,

"I'm proud to be black, yall.

And that's a fact, yall

And if you try to take what's mine

I'll take it back yall

It's like that . . ."

I was struck by a conversation I overheard this morning in a bagel shop. Two men were talking politics, and one man said: "Basically, people will vote for the candidate who will most affect them personally." I immediately had a reaction that did not agree with this statement. It got me to thinking . . .



From what I can see, most people fall into one of three categories. Sometimes people fall into multiple categories, but usually one is more prevalent. The three categories of voters are as follows: 1. those who vote strictly on how they will be affected 2. those who vote on how a politician will affect the county, state, or country 3. those who vote for politicians who have the best global outlook.



Most people fall into the first category, as was suggested by the man in the bagel shop. People want to know if this presidential candidate will speak for them or their community. African-Americans who vote this way want to be insured that the black vote will count (even in Florida!). They also want a politician who will work at creating a fair, institutional playing field. Gay and Lesbian voters of this style want to see what specific messages will be addressed to their community. The very wealthy of this persuasion want tax break messages. Those who are hunters or gun owners are interested in where this candidate stands on gun laws and the National Rifle Association (NRA). And so forth . . .



The second style of voters take it a step further. Not only do these people want to be assured that their personal needs will be addressed; they are also interested in knowing that what they idealize will be catered to as well as what they oppose. Much of what happens in this stage of voting can be seen in the political buzz words: pro-life v. Pro-choice, gay/lesbian issues v. the religious right, death penalty and gun laws, military enhancements. People who are involved in these debates are not necessarily affected by them. Most who oppose the death penalty do not personally know anyone on death row, yet they will attend rallies upon rallies to free Mumia Abu-Jamal. I attended one of these rallies before I even knew who Mumia was. I found out that day that there were a lot of people who knew little to nothing about him as well. Only after the rally did I do my research. There are Christians who protest against the laws that will allow gay and lesbian couples to marry. They are red-faced and irate because to them any law that will allow gays and lesbians to marry (not one another, because that would be o.k.) is an annihilation and desecration to the sacred institution of marriage. But come on?!? Do people really get married because they want to enhance the sacredness of the institution??? Wow! I must have been sleeping for a long time, because I thought most American marriages take place because two individuals love each other. I certainly didn't get married to enhance any institution, and I don't remember the last person I've known who has. What's more important is how is someone's marriage my concern? Who cares??? Let's be real. If this issue is really about the sacredness of the institution, then why weren't these same people who rant, rave, and protest standing outside of Britney Spears' home when she, ON A WHIM, married Jason Allen Alexander. Somehow marrying someone on a dare, in a state where ordaining marriages is slightly more consecrated than a cable sitcom, does not seem to fit the definition of sacred. No. No. Obviously, the issue is far greater than the pretense of the sacredness of some institution. But this is what happens for people who vote in this manner. Issues do not have to personally affect them for them to be of interest. In fact, issues that have nothing to do with them is often more alluring. For this section of voters, the candidate in question is equivalent to a sports team. What uniform does he wear? The question may be better suited, is he a Yankees or Sox fan?



The third section of voters, those who vote towards that which is best for the world, has few members. However, this is where I find myself. I am more concerned about what a politician in question will do for the world at large. My decisions are not solely based on what will suit me. In fact, I have supported candidates who did not necessarily look out for my best interest financially, but had a better global plan. America is considered a super power in the world, but too often we behave like a super bully or super dictator. This is not only a criticism of the current administration, but a critique on any of the administrations who have made me feel unsafe. And before I hear any rant about me promoting some liberal agenda, let me make you aware that I would have been as outspoken during President Johnson's administration during the Viet Nam war.



The other night I was watching the Democratic National Convention and John Kerry was giving his speech. I was intrigued that he spoke very boldly about strengthening the military. Most democrats do not favor building up the military. At one point during his speech, he started on this riff that contained the words: "What if . . ." I couldn't help but to think of the same thing. What if all these politicians were less seasoned with rhetoric and more flavored with action? What if instead of just taking out the most dangerous weapons out of the most dangerous hands, we were to take out the most dangerous weapons? What if we tried to build a greater world, not just a greater America? What if God bless America became God bless this world? What if the enemy is no further away than the closest mirror? What if we were to work to build a world where A.I.D.S. is a distant memory and female genital mutilation would not be ignored? What if we were to create governments of interfaith? What if we were to rid this world of religion, replacing it with true spirituality? What if we stopped using God to justify our crimes and hatred toward each other? What if we were to have dreams of castles in the sky, and worked to build the foundations under them?



I want to vote in accordance with ancient ideals. I want to vote in accordance to needs larger than my circle of friends, larger than my state, larger than my country! I want to vote with the consciouness of the world. I am my brother's keeper, my sister's keeper, and my brother and sister serve Jesus and Allah. My brother and sister have been called white trash and nigger. My brother and sister are married to other brothers and sisters, and sisters and brothers. My brother and sister live below the poverty line in Camden County, NJ and my brother and sister have flourished in million dollar homes in Bergen County, NJ. My brother and sister speak many languages and have abodes in many countries; they love and hurt and pray and sing and fear. They fear what they do not know. They fear ghosts of hunger and oppression. They fear an uncertain future. They fear that America will vote only for American interest. I have these same fears.



I know not if my vote will make a difference this time around. I know not if the candidates will make a difference. I wait for that day when the politicians will be brave enough to stand up for dreams and deliver the resources to the people most in need. We are a country who has no money to aid the poor, the sick, those in desperate need; yet, we have billions to insure the making of destructive weaponry. This should not be.



I vote with the world in mind . . .