Amor Fati

 "I am walking on the bridge
I am over the water
And I'm scared as hell
But I know there's something better
Yes I know there's something
Yes I know, i know, yes i know"

Paula Cole, "Me"

This morning I will be heading into court to face an adversary who has caused such weighted pain in my life. We travel different paths; she, paths of greed and division; me, paths of passion and harmony. Unfortunately, I am connected to her for a long time. She has been a source of sadness, rage, and frustration. She always stoops below any prior expectations I may have. She is a thorn and a blade, who relishes on disrupting anyone who is in her path. She is a virus, and I am her host.

I do not ask why she is in my life, nor question my choices that brought me to this place. This is a fruitless endeavor, as I cannot alter one past decision.

So the pertinent query is what do I do now? How do I continue to fight without losing my dignity? How do I accept those things I cannot control? Can my love overcome any blade of evil she tosses at me?

Our struggle and pain does not end, my friends. We can be thankful for this. What is growth without the pruning? We cannot always have clarity as to the "why", but we have the choice to answer the "how" we handle it. I say this to you, as I recite it as a mantra for myself.

Amor fati is a Latin phrase which, loosely translated, means "love of one's fate". We embrace all that life gives us, the good and the bad. This is a difficult concept to grasp, but it is the way to live most authentically.

This morning I head to court to face a deceitful and hurtful adversary. I breathe. I become love. I accept and cuddle this nightmare, for it reminds me that I am alive. And to this end, I am deeply in awe. We are all so lucky to be a part of this journey. All of us.

"I am so sick of feeling so sorry for myself
you know I go from I go from insanely happy
To 'no I don't want to be around anybody else'
I'm not sure if you know exactly how you feel about me so
Let me tell you how you
Feel about me
Drown out the voices
Drown out the noise
Drown out the bitterness yeah that I have stored
Drown out my wanting
Drown out the fear
You know that everything I've worked for
Is just going
Disappear"

Melissa Ferrick, "North Carolina" 

Winter in my Hands

My hands were meant for my body tonight

It is winter,
     (but not of my discontent);
     actual winter
     with snowflakes and fireplaces.

And I am wondering how to make the cold more
     (approachable)
on this manipulative night.

Secured in blankets? Dozing?
          relishing the fiery smoke of the Islay
          that sits with distinction on my tongue?
Or perhaps sharing bed space with lovers:
          a mockery of intimacy? I am chilled
by this deduction –

I am an island, ancient, with borders,
keeping them all out. And my eulogy is a welcoming plaque:
     his home was his tomb.

I wish to have an aerial view of this maze.
As this, in turn, would make the drunken dogs
and screaming babies
seem less bothersome.
For they too are riled by the maddening noises
     unheard by the rest of us; for demons and angels
     play on the senses of those who cannot speak.

Yes, tonight will be a travel night
through words and images
with the warmth of my own hands,
and memories untarnished by memory.

1/2-3/2014

msf

My monkey is my friend

For my daughter and the generations of daughters

So my daughter will always remember to be

To all of you beautiful women everywhere

who have absorbed how to be less

from everyone

To all of you beautiful girls everywhere

who haven't quite decided how to be more

for yourself

first

before anyone

Allow me to be the first to tell you:

You are more in your voice, not in your deferment

so do not hold stock in the lies that my kind

has raped you to believe

Your shrinkage is not becoming

For a Goddess

It is you who is the conduit for Life

The Sustainer of our survival

Choose wisely

and be as lusty and luscious

as mountains and oceans have proven

throughout time

For the New Year

Haiku 112014

Dear smartphone, please cease
in trying to understand
how I think. Thank you.