This is timely

This time is

http://danbern.bandcamp.com/track/kids-prayer

Letter to Myself at 16

Letter to Myself at 16

December 4, 2012

Dear Mike:

          I have a few things to say to you that may help guide you in some of the most wonderfully dark days that lie ahead. Right off the bat, I need to tell you – there is no such thing as darkness; it’s all degrees of light. As you are reading this right now, I imagine that something is churning away in that tiny, magnificent mind of yours. Allow this to continue. Find a way to make more light.

          Do not be afraid of your sadness; she is your greatest teacher, but she’s more than that. In time, you will learn how to fill her and love her and turn her into pearls. I’ll let you in on a little secret: depression will be your muse and your best friend. Stay true to her, and she will reward you greatly.

          I know you often wonder if they think you are strange. Well, Mike, they do and you are. It’s the way you were born. You have never had much use to think like everyone else; in truth, most of the time you are unaware of social conventions. Stay true to this...it will be the vessel that carries you through the coldest nights.

          Hug Mrs. Blake. Yes, your English teacher. It will be quite some time before you truly comprehend her fingerprint on your life. She saves you. You are self destructive, and she knows it. She will be the reason why you love to read. Did you think that you were any different from Ray G. and Jim C.?

          You’re going to have a Jesus moment that will change your course; do not spend too much time fretting about all the “things” you will lose because of this transition. That loss is insignificant. Just know --Pastor Snyder will also save your life. His soul is true.

Now, (spoiler alert), you’re going to annoy some people, (including Michele), with your Jesus phase; the quicker you learn to be balanced, (accepting both your demons and angels), the quicker you will be suited to love greatly, in all shapes, sizes, and perspectives. The institution that will lead to your spiritual awakening will turn out to be the very enemy against whom you will fight. Do not fear this. Your mission is larger than the cage of Evangelicals. You are anointed, (this is a burden and blessing), and you have been called to fight the battle for ALL who are oppressed. So, do your best to speak boldly. Our future depends on it.

In college, you will be given a name for what happened between you and Dan. Feel what you need to feel, but do not jump the track into oblivion. Like I said, you are self-destructive. Forgive Dan. He will always be your first, not Tricia or Tammy.

Forgive Dad. In time, you will discover how vulnerable and weak he actually is. He is a broken man just like the rest of us. And here’s the wonderful news, Mike: you will be one of Dad’s best friends; one of his only friends. Continue to love him.

Finally, Mike, do not be afraid to do what you know is best for you. You walk a lonely road, but I promise you, you are stronger than you can ever imagine. I’m rooting for you; take comfort in that.

I do love you like the smell of God in purple flowers,

Me

P.S.

There is nothing to regret. You cannot change any of it, so embrace it; you will understand this better in your late 30s, early 40s. Breathe. The life you imagine is not the life you will have…be thankful for this. You are one amazing and beautiful guy!

Poem -- Newtown, Connecticut

Newtown Connecticut

“Six minutes, six minutes, six minutes Doug E Fresh you’re on.”

I used to believe that six minutes happened so quick

Like whatever was done could be unfixed

a trick, a smile, some clever lie

all can be unhinged, you’d be surprised.

But in Newtown I realized

I was the lie

We were all undone in a click-click-click

 not so slick

 in that six-sick-shtick

now we are scarred by the images

scared of our image

we are primal in our damage,

angels turned to savages.

I want to understand this,

comprehend the pain

but we are left with remains

of shattered dreams and brains

this alongside of my caged-in rage

thump thump pumping, keeping me awake at night

my powerful words were powerless,

raped by shadows and fright

I remained paralyzed through the night

I was helpless and dangerous

I couldn’t trust this

sadness, like rolled up flesh, balled in my fists

The Mayan calendar was off a bit

overpredicting how long we would exist

Our innocence was murdered on that Friday morn

now we mourn

 for every child to be born

we are zombies at the carnival

clowns in the cemetery

hit the switch so we can end this song

Six minutes, six minutes, six minutes Doug E Fresh

they’re gone.

12/16-22/2012

msf